written on Thursday, December 26, 2024
Last year I decided that I want to share my most important learnings about engineering, teams and quite frankly personal mental health. My hope is that those who want to learn from me find it useful. This is a continuation to this.
Over the years, I've been asked countless times: “What advice would you give to young programmers or engineers?” For the longest time, I struggled to answer. I wasn't sure I had anything definitive or profound to offer. And truthfully, even now, I'm not convinced I have enough answers. But as I've reflected on my journey to here, I've formulated some ideas that I believe are worth sharing — if only to provide a bit of guidance to those just starting out. For better or worse, I think those things are applicable regardless of profession.
My core belief is that fulfillment and happiness comes from deliberate commitment to meaningful work, relationships, and personal growth and purpose. I don't claim that these things can be replicated, but they worked for me and some others, so maybe they can be of use for you.
Putting time into work and skills — and by that truly investing oneself — is always worth it.
Whether it's working on a project, solving a difficult problem, or even refining soft skills like communication, the act of showing up and putting in the hours is essential. Practice makes perfect, but more so it's all about progress rather than perfection. Each hour you spend iterating, refining, failing and retrying brings you closer to excellence. It doesn't always feel that way in the moment but when you look back at what you did before, you will see your progress. And that act of looking back, and seeing how you improved, is immensely rewarding and in turn makes you enjoy your work.
I did not start out enjoying programming, not at all. I had a friend in school who was just better than me at everything. It felt demotivating. Programming turned out to be a necessary tool that I had to build things and to share with others, and through that, I eventually ended up enjoying it.
There is a narrative that working hard is inherently bad for your health or that long hours lead to burnout. I disagree. It's not about how many hours you put in, but about the enjoyment and quality of the work you're doing. Still some of my most favorite memories were some all-nighters I did when I was younger working on something. It wasn't even necessarily on projects that ended up meaningful or successful, but it was the act in itself. When you find joy in what you're building in the moment, work does not feel like a burden. Instead it feels exciting and exhilarating. These memories, that some might describe as unhealthy are some of my most pleasant ones.
The key isn't avoiding hard work but finding meaning in it. Practice and effort, when coupled with a sense of purpose, not only make you better at what you do but also make the journey itself fulfilling. There is one catch however, and that is that your payout should not just be your happiness in the moment, but it should be long lasting.
The best way to completely destroy your long term satisfaction is if the effort you are putting into something is not reciprocated or the nature of the work feels meaningless. It's an obvious privilege to recommend that one shall not work for exploitative employers but you owe yourself to get this right. With time you build trust in yourself, and the best way to put this trust to use, is to break out of exploitative relationships.
If you end up doing things you do not believe in, it will get to you. It will not just demotivate you and make you unhappy at work, it will eventually make every hour you spent miserable and eventually get to your health.
Other than sleeping, work is what you spent the most time with for a significant portion of your life. If that is not fulfilling a core pillar of what can provide happiness is not supporting you. I have seen people advocate for just not caring to fix the work aspect, instead to work less and spend more free time. I have not found that to work for me. Work needs to be fulfilling, even if work is just a few hours a day.
Life isn't about sampling everything; it’s about making deliberate choices and committing to the ones that matter. You don't need to date twenty people to find the right partner, nor do you need a network of hundred acquaintances to succeed. Similarly, you don't need to work at ten different companies to build a meaningful career. Those things can be hugely beneficial, don't get me wrong, but you can do more with less too. When you focus on taking one step at a time, choosing the best option available to you in that moment you can accomplish great things. Feel free to look to others for inspiration, but do not to compare what they have versus what you don't. Nothing good will come from that. Everyone's journey is unique, shaped by the opportunities they encounter and the paths they decide to follow. Value grows not with the breadth of options explored but with the depth of commitment to the path you've chosen.
Just as mastering a skill pays dividends, so does committing on your personal or professional journey. Even if the world around you shifts — like the rise of AI in software engineering — your experience and expertise aren't wasted. Your gained experience makes it much easier for you to adjust course and it will give you the necessary trust in yourself. It allows to leverage what you've learned in new ways. While it's true that choosing from limited options might not always lead to the “best” possible outcome, the time and effort you invest in your chosen path can often outweigh the hypothetical gains of a different choice. In many cases, mastery and fulfillment come not from chasing endless possibilities but from fully embracing the one path you're on and making it your own.
To me this happened through a lucky accident but it's something I strongly believe in. I'm an agnostic, I don't hold strong religious beliefs but I do believe in the purpose of and benefits of a lasting marriage. When my wife and I met I did not think I was in a position in my life where I had interest, desire or necessity in a deep relationship, let alone to marry. We did not live in the same country when we met and we had a long distance relationship for almost a year. That kind of relationship (particularly when visa issues are involved) has one incredible benefit: you really have to commit to your relationship. It's expensive and you spend a lot of time talking and sharing intimate thoughts. It also forces you to make a concious decision if the two of you believe it's worth continuing. You don't have the option to just “test drive” it. It forces you to figure out all the hard things upfront. Career, values, ambitions, children, the whole thing. That's a very different experience to swiping right and see what comes from it.
That one year of intensive dating changed me. I started to recognize the benefits of committing to something on a much deeper level. It taught me that vulnerability and opening yourself up can be a beautiful thing. It showed me that there was a whole part to myself I did not look into. It showed me that really committing to something, opens up a whole new world of opportunity and it allowed us to really invest into our relationship.
When you commit to your partner fully you get a lot in the process. Yes, there are risks and while you're dating, you need to figure these things out. You need to know on a fundamental level that the person you're dating is going to be the one you want to be with for a lifetime. That's not easy, because no human is perfect. Yet if that is the goal, you can poke at the parts where dragons can be. Only in situations of stress and challenge will you truly find out how the other person works and if that works for you.
I have heard people talk about “going to IKEA” for a date. I think that's a brilliant idea. Imagining a life together and struggling a bit through conflict and resolution is exactly the right way to go about it.
Very few things have so profoundly changed me as our first child.
Seeing children grow up is such a moving experience. I enjoy being with them in moments of achievements or sadness alike and I love when they surprise me in the morning with their newfound wisdom or after school with their proud achievements. It's fun to play with them, to help them learn new things and you can do things together you haven't done since your own childhood.
I'm lucky to have kids. I grew up in a society that has largely painted a pretty dark picture about having children but I do not share those views. We knew we wanted children and I'm glad we didn't wait. You can't cheat nature on this thing and at the present state of scientific development, things still are much harder if you try to have children late.
Nothing will ever be perfect. There were sleepless nights, there are the sicknesses that come in autumn with daycare and school. You need to arrange things in different ways than you were used to. You will hear a lot from parents and educators about what is is like to have children but the reality however is that I don't think it's possible to know how it is to have kids until you do. In a way you have to jump into the cold water and there is no going back.
There are some important prerequisites though, but I think differently about them now then I did before. I don't think that you need a lot of money or a stable career, but you need to have your marriage and house in order. The most important thing I learned about having children is that you first and foremost need to take care of yourself. Any stress you experience, you will pass on to your children and it will harm them in the process. This is really important. There are lots of dysfunctional households and bad parents and you should not have children if you can't take care of yourself.
Those are the important parts, but then there are superficial issues. I almost entirely opted out of reading parental advise books because I could feel how they stress me out. I found it easier to take on challenges as they arrive naturally. If you have a loving relationship with your spouse you can extend that to your children and learn how to deal with challenges calmly (or as calmly as you can). You need to be there for each other. Your children will not become more successful because you mastered breast feeding on day one or if you taught them sign language before they can talk. They will however be significantly better off if you can jump on a moment's notice to take care of your spouse or child when something goes wrong.
Our experience is unlikely to be your experience, but there are some things that are shared among parents. You grow above yourself when all the sudden become fully responsible for another human being and you can't opt out of it. It also invites you to reflect on yourself more and how you came to be the person that you are. I also don't think it makes you any less ambitious, but it changes how you define success for yourself. Your horizon opens up and it really makes you think more about the totality of your family rather than yourself.
My life isn't about perfection or constantly chasing what's next; it's about being present and committing to the things that matter. This is also what I'm passing on to my children. Whatever your journey may look like, I hope you find joy, purpose, and the courage to commit fully to it and that you found something useful in my writings.